What was your last face-to-face conversation that ended too early?

To converse is a great gift and is a pity when it draws to a close. To spend unhurried, undisturbed moments together in a discussion, truly hearing and learning is quickly becoming a lost art or at least and endangered species. I was in Chick-fil-a last week and noticed the to-go style box, sitting on the window sill that was made to store mobile phones during the meal. Apparently, this is what it has come to. Giving our undivided attention to one another is a precious gift these days as the noise of the age, screams for our attention. I listned to a 2007 interview with Irish poet John O'Donohue this week and his definition of love and friendship was a "safe space to be who you are without being battered by the force of expectation". I know right, it's great, and even better when spoken with a wee bit of an Irish accent. When I heard this definition it really made me consider who I share those safe spaces with and realized I don't make these conversations a priority. To say "yes" to these important opportunities, "no" must be said to the urgent that will continually pull us away. I have been enjoying great conversations with a good friend during our commutes, however, I can be distracted from the conversation by DC traffic (my fellow commuters are pleased that I am paying attention to the road). These conversations, void of pretense and expectation lead to vulnerability insight into who we really are and allow us to see clearly about how we see the world. We must make space in our lives to share the safe space of deep friendships.

Who do you share this safe space of friendship with? How are you intentional about creating this space? What hinders these conversations from occurring? What benefit have you experienced from having these friendships? How have they changed over the years? What can you do to enhance these friendships?

How specific is your feedback?

A generic compliment is as memorable as a participation trophy for all 300 kids that played the soccer season. Not very memorable for the kid that practiced once and not a good memory for the kid that gave it his all, scored the winning goal and received the same trophy. It may satisfy from the moment of receipt to the back seat of the car, but then it morphs into a mere dust collector. Everyday we invest our lives in our families, work and communities. Observations of  encouragement and correction deserve our best effort and specificity. To tell a spouse "you're the greatest" can quickly fall flat, however to say "you're the greatest because you expend your energy into your job then come home and do it all over again for the family. Thank-you for the delicious meal you created and it was amazing how your pesto sauce amplified the flavor of the fish!" will stick a bit longer and proves you are paying attention. The first option acknowledges and the second edifies. Specificity matters. I saw a co-worker earn an award for 35 years of service and be dismissed after a handshake by a VP, that couldn't pronounce his name. Shouldn't 35 years (72,000 hours) of dedication earn more than 8 seconds of notoriety in a dark conference room? When bringing correction, be specific; if bringing praise, be generous and specific. Those around us deserve better.

What is your default feedback look like? What benefit does feedback provide? How have you seen feedback done poorly? How have you experienced feedback done well? Have you given specific feedback; what were the results? Are you intentional about giving feedback? How have you expressed positive feedback to those around you? What impact would regular specific positive feedback have on those in your life? 

What bucket list item are you pursuing

Are the bucket list items awaiting a cancer diagnosis, retirement in 15 years or the great-great-great grandkids to graduate from college before getting your attention? Our tendency is to push off the things we want to do awaiting the magic "someday" to show up on the calendar. We scroll through the Facebook and Instagram lives of others and think, "someday, that will be me". Determination and ingenuity can accomplish far more that you can imagine once you begin. My temptation has been to sabotage my ideas before they have a chance to take root and grow. I don't need anyone else to tell me it can't be done, I take care of that all on my own. Failing can be scary, but is the alternative really living? Taking a step to push against the internal resistance is the first step. We believe we mastered walking by two years old, but we were wrong. Everyday there is the same amount of effort required to strengthen our muscles and seek to steady ourselves for what we must accomplish. Break out the list and blow off the dust or begin anew and keep writing more and more items. The list can include all things great and small. Conversations with family, meeting someone new and yes, even the trip to Paris. Don't like Paris? Good, it's your life, your dreams, your desires and your list; it should be different. If you start planning for the big trip to whatever your Paris is, and the plan gets derailed the week before your flight, you will have gained far more than if you had wished for someday. The day is coming when the bucket will be kicked. What will spill out? High hopes, good intentions and an unblemished list or abundant memories with a dogeared, stained-up, worn-out half completed list? Someday has arrived; today is the day to be brave and start.

Where is your list? How many items are on the list? What scares you about pursuing the list? How does the internal resistance try to slow you down? Who must you ignore to pursue the items on your list? Who is your ally on your adventure? What is your most audacious item on the list? What is something you can do this weekend? What will you do this year? 

How do you live with a sense of abundance?

Abundance is a choice. Regardless of the bank account balance, we must choose to live in light of the abundance around us. Historically, access to education was the primary ticket to success; now, free sources of quality educational material are available to anyone with an Internet connection on virtually any subject. Lack of start-up capital would halt a new business and now founders are starting companies via the glowing screen in a purse. It is possible to couch-surf your way across the country or the other side of the world, while assuring mom of your safety via Skype. The marvels that technology will bring in the coming years are mind bending and open opportunities at a magnitude never before seen. But, what if we are stuck and don't see the abundance on our doorstep? Most of my biggest challenges have been self-inflicted from decisions I have made or being inwardly focused on what I don't have, and my world gets smaller. Opening my eyes to see those around me increases the size of my little world and pushes back against the shrinking edges. A decision and decisive action is required to embrace abundance. Make the decision, then take a step. Reach out to your neighbor through a gift of service, take on the collateral duty at work that will be a stretch, take a course at the Kahn Academy to learn a new skill, watch a TED Talk and share your comments, sell a craft on Etsy to share your creativity, stay at a cheap local AirBnB to meet the hosts, try a new sport or pick up a hobby to meet your new best friends, mentor local youth to share your story or visit a retirement home and listen, really listen to hear their incredible stories. Abundance is found at the intersection of generosity and authenticity; the price of a ticket is merely a decision and action. Choose abundance; the world is waiting.

When did you last dwell in abundance? How would living with a sense of abundance benefit you? How would you expect this to change your current outlook? What areas of your life are encapsulated in a shrinking world and unaware of abundance? What is something you will do this week to enhance your sense of abundance? 

How is mom your hero?

I hate to break it to you, but, mom isn't perfect. Yep, that "I love mom" tattoo on your arm is memorializing someone who didn't get it right every time. She would have preferred to always be present for you while giving enough space to grow; patient and firm, loving and setting proper boundaries; wisdom to say "yes" and "no"; graciously lead and gently push when needed; but (this is where the audio track of a record scratching happens) she is fully human. My mom hasn't been perfect and she justly received an imperfect son. Through the gift of this special relationship we gain a great understanding of the world around us. For most, this relationship is a blessing and for some, it is a painful reminder of tough days. All hero's have flaws and perfection is not expected. We might have desired June Cleaver or Clair Huxtable as mom, but these TV characters, were just that, television characters. Who you had was real and for that you can be thankful. Your growing eyes witnessed a life lived and informed decisions that you make today. Remembering and appreciating the life that delivered you into this world and forgiving the failings allows for proper celebration of a hero. Thanks Mom for being my hero as you walked through the many trials and cared for so many along the way.

What sacrifices did mom make for you? How were her dreams or desires postponed to care for you? What is a specific memory that you have laughed together about? What was a weakness that revealed her humanity? How is your personality just like mom? What physical characteristic, that you have, most reminds you of her? Maybe it is a good time to call her.

When did you last encounter the ancient?

The ancient calibrates our modern bravado with silence. We may shout from the highest hills that the latest technology we will deliver next week is going to change the world. Then we visit a site that is two millennia and wisdom demands our tongues be stilled. I recently visited a  national gallery exhibit of bronze sculptures that were over two thousand years old. I left in humbled awe after getting close to these pieces that have survived the reigns of great civilized nations and wars fought between great peoples that built the foundation and wisdom of the world we enjoy today. The pursuit of riches, power and immortality drive each of us and the ancients remind us that the method might be new, but the pursuit is common among mankind. This reflective realization allows pause for recognition of what is most important. Family and friends matter. Bettering the world around us matters. We expend our lives to care and provide for those we have been blessed to be near. Even enemies of war or business can become friends as battle wounds are cauterize by time or drowned in a shared drink of spirits. Spending time in the shadow of ancient rock formations, stones, forests, books, temples or traditions allow for the appreciation of the lives that have gone before and our legacy we will leave behind. 

What is your practice of revisiting things from the past? What influence did it have on your life? How did this interaction calibrate your thinking? What was the lasting effect? Do you have a favorite place/item you frequent to gain this perspective? What is an ancient thing you want to see/visit in your lifetime? 

What positive constraint have you adopted?

We have all kinds of limits placed on our lives; "you're 8 years old, it is time for bed", you only get 24 hours in a day or the bank will only give you a mortgage of so much. These constraints are from without, but what about those from within? What are the things you choose to say "I could go this far, but I choose to stop short of what others allow?" Lay's potato chips tempts us to resist any hope of adhering to these constraints with the tag line of "no one can eat just one". The self-imposed constraints are a positive step we can take to ensure we stay on track with the life we are pursing. Examples include; adherence to a budget, to bed at a certain time to ensure you get enough sleep, turning off the phone during meals or setting aside time for a spiritual or meditative practice each morning. These constraints go deeper than the New Years resolutions that are busted buy the third week in January. I am daily working on creativity and must generate content before bed. Sometimes the nights are long, but this positive constraint is getting me closer to my goal. When the crinkly bag of potato chips calls, remembering how we refuse to say "yes" in one area can build confidence to say "NO" in other areas when tested. Tested resolve can build greater confidence to pursue what is ahead. Choose your constraints, choose your future. 

How do you choose these constraints? What benefits have self imposed constraints provided you? How have you noticed the influence in other areas of your life? What was your most effective constraint? How do you implement constraints? How have they changed over the years?

What baggage are you carrying?

Has the airline ever lost your bags and life was topsy turvy until until the familiar handles returned to your grip? Every day we carry baggage; we couldn't even afford the baggage fees if we had to check it for a flight.  What we did or didn't do back in our childhood up to the most recent unkind word to our spouse or co-worker last week. Opportunities that have not been realized; either buy omission or commission fill the worn overstuffed bags. Much of my baggage is associated with work or family. I wanted the approval of others and didn't lead effectively, I didn't remember the numbers when the boss asked or I didn't get my kids into the "right" school and feeling I let them down. I know the weight well, it is a comfortably heavy burden that I have grown accustomed to bearing. Somehow, I am unwilling to let it go. Action is required to open the bag, inspect what lessons are worthy of keeping and jettison the rest. The easiest response is to just keep carrying the load because evaluating the contents is hard and scary. Hard is authorized. The work involves forgiveness, kindness and generosity toward you and others. This effort promises a lighter load for the rest of the trip. In this case lost luggage is good, even if it is Gucci. Either whittle the lessons down to a small carry-on or... just leave the bags lost.

What bags are the heaviest? What bags do you stumble over? What bags have been handed to you? What bags have you forgotten your carting around? What bags have you ditched? What were the benefits of letting them go? How do you choose what contents to keep? What bag do you choose to leave today?

What is your go to process for problem solving?

The scientific method, the engineering "V", agile, ad hoc or just dipping the brush in the paint are all ways to approach the problems that are presented. Processes can be as simple as a writer showing up at their desk each morning from 5:00 to 10:00 to diligently write 10 pages, knowing their process will determine later if the work was any good. Each method has proponents and communities that embrace the processes. Sadly, my processes have not been nearly as systematic as they should, and my performance has suffered as a result. There is a benefit to having a system to run a problem set through, it can give space for the muse and inspiration to strike. Adherence will help reduce the influence of subjective factors and tease out the critical metrics to make a qualified decision. I am currently using a process to validate business ideas to determine if there is a market to avoid wasting time or money. Our brains are always seeking to conserve energy and look to systems or the familiar to solve problems. Embrace the benefit of a process and listen for those that are used by people around you.

Do you automatically go to your process or does it take convincing? When was the first time you used this method? When was the last time you used your process? How have you deviated from your process? What other methods are in your toolbox? What processes do you use outside of your professional life?

Who is in your corner?

In the midst of a celebration, friends and neighbors will come out of the woodwork to come drink the champagne and pat you on the back. These times are sweet and are definitely the best of times. What happens in the worst of times? A friend of mine recently went through a significant trial that was thrust upon him. We were discussing his experience and he recounted how isolated he felt as he went through the fire. This discussion challenged me and caused me to evaluate how I respond when those around me are going through tough times. I have withdrawn because I am concerned about my reputation, or didn't know how to help and in some cases; thought they got what they deserve. Divorce is a brutal example as alliances are drawn between friends and family that were toasting the blessed couple just a short time ago. It is good to know who is in your corner and support you in the midst of the daily fight; mending the cuts, icing the bruises and sometimes just listening without needing to fix the problem. Oftentimes the greatest need is to just listen, laugh or mourn. Everyone is facing a fight of some kind, draw near be the person that can be counted upon.

What trial did you go through where friends disappeared? Who has supported you in the midst of a battle? How did you feel this support? What reasons do you typically use to withdraw from someone in the fight? Who needs you in their corner? What is one action you can do to help? 

What would be a benefit of a 60% pay cut?

There was never any promise these inquiries would be easy. Don't take the easy way out and just scroll past the question; brain sweat is a good thing. This is an uncomfortable question and for many, it hits too close to home. The pain of a layoff, getting fired or work being outsourced is very real and emotions are raw. I was laid off in 2002 and I didn't like it. One minute all is well, the next, everything changes. I struggle to watch The Pursuit of Happyness, because it hits too close to home as I relive the frustration, conflict and anxiety of being on the edge of financial ruin. However, there were benefits as a result of the trial. My faith was strengthened, I experienced an outpouring of support from friends, simplified life to the bare essentials, determined what was most important, fun became more resourceful and I became a bit more compassionate to the guy shaking the cup on the street-corner. I desire the discipline, grit and character developed in the trials, however, I don't like the suck. Remember, diamonds aren't made without pressure.

What luxury would you miss most? What trials did you benefit from? How do you deny yourself? Do you remember your struggle? How do you embrace the challenges? How did your challenges cause you to grow? Did you experience the kindness of a stranger during the trial?

What about nature leaves you in awe?

The Internet is jammed with photos of many pretty things; people, architecture and of course kittens. Driving up through the mountains from San Francisco to Lake Tahoe, last summer, I drove around a bend that allowed me to see a majestic view of the valley and it literally took my breathe away. I stopped on the return trip to marvel at the grandeur of the sight and was not disappointed; it was amazing! We are surrounded by these wonderful things and every now and then we are surprised and delighted by the world around us. If we are observant, we will be amazed by the intricacies of a spiders web, the diversity of a field of flowers, the largeness of the starry sky or the provision for an insect drinking from a dew drop on a blade of grass. We live on a marvelous planet with mystery and beauty all around, be watching and expect to be surprised.

When was the last time you were left speechless by nature? When was the last time nature made you feel insignificant? How does touching the ancient land give your life perspective? How do you engage with the natural world? What is a natural site you would like to see in your lifetime? Where would you like to visit that technology has not yet granted access? 

Who was the last person you caught doing good?

If you watch the nightly news, you might hear about the goodness of those around you in the last moment after hearing about "man bites dog" for 29 minutes. I got it, news sells and man bites dog sells, but there are more people serving and caring than there are murders and burglaries each day. These acts need to be acknowledged and celebrated. This acknowledgement is not reserved for million dollar charitable donors but those that hold the door, slow down to let you pull in front of them and go out of their way to help. I meet these kind people everyday and at a minimum pass on my thanks. I have a ways to go to ensure I thank them all, but I am making progress.

Are you looking for those around you that are going the extra mile? What was a time that you were surprised by the kindness of a stranger? Have you ever sought out a supervisor to encourage the work of a standout employee? How do you feel after acknowledging these acts of kindness? 

How has your palate matured?

Change can be hard and most often we resist its presence, but not all change is bad. It can even be embraced. Sauerkraut, broccoli and thee-bean salad were the bane of my gastronomic existence growing up. Now, I enjoy all of them and many others I thought were terrible when I was young. The palate is a fun metric to chart how we have changed over the years. There might be a food that we ate during college that brings back memories (i.e., Ramen noodles for $0.08) that can now be revisited at upscale restaurants ($12 with less Sodium???).  Moms chocolate chip cookies are certainly still please the palate. Twinkies are still the same, no; really there is no change as if they had remained on the shelf all these years. With the abundance of celebrity chefs and networks devoted to food, it is no wonder we have expanded the food diversity we now expect. Reflecting on how we have changed in this one area can help ease the transition in other areas; after all, constant change is here to stay.

What food did you hate, fed to the dog or hid in your napkin during your childhood? What foods do you now enjoy that you never thought you would willingly eat? What other changes would your childhood-self be surprised? What other changes do you need to embrace?

How are you making generous connections?

Today's connected world supports reaching out and touching anyone at anytime. We can leave messages that will be seen as soon as the recipient opens their eyes to start the day. We can post pictures that document the joys in our lives to our closest 500+ friends. All this connectedness and loneliness is more rampant than ever. Your buried in your screen and I have my earbuds in; it is a social taboo to break into the bubble. We can choose to do the uncomfortable and take a risk to pop the bubble. This is an opportunity to cross lines of culture, age, gender and any other barriers that we put up to insulate ourselves from each other. Those around us give us a chance to make these generous connections through an encouraging word, a smile or a helping hand. These connections can be through our business by taking the extra step to exceed our customers expectations, our neighbor by returning the lawnmower full of gas or extending yourself for the local school board. The good news is that this mindset is a skill that can be learned. If you do not normally jump at the chance to bless those around you with this connectedness, it is only a decision away. The opportunities are all too plentiful, you just have to look then act. Go change a life with a generous connection.

Where can you extend yourself to make generous connections? Who immediately comes to mind? How do you define generous connections? Who do you know that epitomizes this characteristic? What holds you back from extending yourself? What is one step you can take this week to challenge yourself to connect with those around you?