Why do you change friends?

The promise of lifelong childhood friendships rarely last. This pledge, the secret handshakes, and stories of first love are set aside as our circle of friendship expands beyond our city block.

The pain is excruciating the first time we learn our best friend will be moving. A parent's new job, the need for a new school district, a divorce, or a thousand other reasons, never resolve the pain. Technology makes it easier to keep in touch, but if you are out-of-site, then out-of-mind follows. 

How do you define your circle of friends? 

- Is location a primary driver? A new school, new job, or new home?
- Does your financial situation support friendships you couldn't previously afford?
- Religious, political, or cultural affiliations often draw solid lines of who is in the circle of friendship and who would never be permitted.

How have you made new friends when there has been a change?

We have one life, a finite amount of time, and our friendships are our choice. Those who we choose to spend our time with, our most precious possession must be a blessing. 

Do you have a particular friend that steers you in a direction that is not healthy? Is it time for a change?

How do you resolve conflicts with friends?

Friends are one of our greatest assets and a critical component of the human experience. Any reflection of our history will include those friends that walked the road by our side. The faces and memories flash before our mind's eye, like flipping through a Classic ViewMaster.

What happens when disagreements arise and escalate to conflict? Conflict is part of the human condition, no need to shy away from the reality. It is safe here. 

In Managing Conflict Through Communication, authors Dudley D. Cahn and Ruth Anna Abigail, explain the resolution phase will end in one of two orientations; either resolution or management. When a resolution has occurred, both parties are satisfied. Dissatisfied and risk of the issue resurfacing are characteristics of a management orientation.

Do you typically resolve or manage your conflicts? I have been working at my ability to bring a conflict to a resolution. To be clear, this does not imply arrival or perfection. Several factors have been at work to spur this growth. 

Brene Brown's work on vulnerability has been helpful to recognize what I am thinking and feeling, and what recordings are playing in my mind. Laziness has been another factor in resolving conflict. Yeah, one-time laziness is good. It takes so much energy to stay angry and hold a grudge, I just don't have it. I want to use my limited resources and strength to concentrate on things that matter for good.

Conflict is a two-party affair, but evaluating what I bring to the battle has been helpful; while assuming the friend has their issues to work through.

Once I have taken the time to understand what I desired, but did not get; I am on a path to resolving things. Did I want to be heard, respected, to be found correct, or did I perceive that my rights were violated? What was it that I really wanted? Was the other party in a position to listen? How can I communicate my desires to the other person, it a manner they will adequately hear?

How have you grown in your ability to resolve conflicts? What tactics do you use to prevent conflicts? Do you have any unresolved conflicts with friends; what steps can you take to bring the dispute to a resolution? Do you have hope for reconciliation? What friendship became stronger after resolving a conflict?

Photo: Little Chapel in the Woods, Texas Women's University, Denton Texas.

What kind of influence are you?

Apparently, I'm not a good one. I had been talking to a friend about my appreciation of Belgian wheat beers and then started talking about the various  Piscos, I had enjoyed. He replied that he was cutting back because he found himself drinking each night and it was impacting the family. It felt like the story went a bit deeper and recounting my enjoyment of adult beverages, was not helping him resist temptation.

Friends listen to each other, pick up on subtleties, and come alongside to help where needed. Each one of us has a laundry list of "yes" or "no" things we should embrace or resist. A caring friend will know what is on each of our lists.

A doughnut on National Doughnut Day is one thing, encouraging your dieting friend to restrict their doughnut intake to only those days of the week that end in "day," is not helpful. Someone trying to regain control of their budget is served by a stroll through the park vice the local marketplace. 

Confidence to achieve significant efforts is through small day-to-day decisions building on each other. Reinforcing these decisions defines our role as a friend.

Pause and reflect on your closest friendships. What kind of friend are you? Draw the circle a bit bigger; are you consistent in your care for this next group of friends?

Going Further: How do you specifically encourage your friends in their pursuits? How do you help your friends exercise self-control? When did you fail a friend and what did you both learn? Did the friendship survive? What changes do you need to make, to care for your friends honestly? How would these changes benefit your relationships? What question was missed?

How do friends inspire your personal growth?

Masters exist for every discipline and knife sharpening is no exception. The master knife sharpener carefully chooses the right stone for each knife. A stone with course grit is selected when the blade has extensive damage and requires removal of a lot of material. When the blade is in good condition, and the edge just needs to be refined a fine grit stone is selected. 

Knowing how to sharpen a knife, takes deliberate practice. The task is intentional and repetitive. It isn't glamorous and sexy, but it is critical to the success of a butcher, chef or knight in shining armor.

Preparing the tools of the trade is integral, and the time invested pays great dividends during the chef's mealtime rush. Before the next shift, another round of sharpening occurs because knives don't stay sharp with use. 

The friends we have chosen, or that magically show up in our lives, can help to refine our dull edges and make us useful.

As a young man, I had a lot of rough edges and required friends with course grit to remove the major dings. I would like to think I have arrived at the day when only a polishing stone is needed to sharpen additional elements of my character to a useful edge. However, dings still exist, just in different categories.

Our friends are incredible examples of imperfect people that achieve amazing results. Resist the temptation for jealous comparison and rejoice that such talent surrounds us. After all, you are on their list for incredible talent.

I am inspired to grow as a follower of Christ, husband, father, son, businessman, athlete, employee, artist, writer, and inspiration because of my friends. Their examples of love, compassion, generosity, hospitality, kindness, diligence, intellectual prowess, grit, courage, forgiveness, and many other traits, remind me that my edge is not perfectly sharp. 

The process of becoming and staying sharp requires intentional time on the stone.

Going Further: What are three friends have inspired you to grow in a particular area of your life? How were these friends helpful? Were these areas that required a course or fine grit stone to get you sharp? What areas do you currently need help from a friend? What prevents you from embracing this help? Are you surrounded by friends that will inspire you to grow?