What is a bittersweet memory?

My most recent bittersweet memory was today. I dropped my youngest daughter off at college in Texas today. A mere 1,377 miles or a short plane ride from Maryland separates our family reunion. The trip has been exhausting, but getting her room set up just so, was fulfilling. The opportunities she is embracing will set her up with an excellent education and industry contacts in her chosen field. As her father that expects her to be an adult far longer than she has been a child. The growth and changes are still bittersweet.

It seems a tinge of gray can be found in good news, and at least a trace of silver can be found in the clouds seemingly terrible situations. This lack of absolutes offers hope in the dark days, knowing there is a touch of silver or if you just get a bit higher above the clouds, the sun is always shining. 

What is a favorite story of your family's history?

An Uncle threw a pitchfork at my dad to scare him a bit, and it worked. The fork tines pierced his shoe and went right between his toes. Nor permanent damage other than a holy shoe and a story for the grandchildren. As a child, my industrious mom raised tarantulas to sell to the pet store to make some spending cash. 

Family stories are fun to hear and provide some color to the yellowed black and white photos that emerge every couple of years when a distant relative dies. Retelling the family history is a way to remind the current generations of their heritage and provide a sense of belonging and something greater than just the here and now. 

Sitting at the feet of an older generation provides insight into what the world was like many years ago. The greater the difference in age, the greater chance for a bridge to be built from the past to the future. These times of remembrance also provide an opportunity for family relationships to grow stronger. None of our histories are flawless, and there are always stories that are quietly whispered due to the magnitude of the wrong someone committed.

Who would turn down a chance to laugh, cry, be inspired and horrified all during a stroll down memory lane? We can be grateful to those that catalog these family histories, drawing out the older generations about how it was possible to exist before a Google or cell phone.

When did you last ask; how can I serve you?

Our words can mean everything or mean nothing. The receiver determines the weight and validity of what is said. Each interaction is another opportunity to tip the scales for our words to be highly valued.

Cultivating our relationships must have the same attention of our 401K. If wise investments are made, the money can fade, but the relationships remain. Rarely does someone want stacks of cash surrounding the deathbed, but friends, family, and co-workers are highly prized.

Let's not assume we know best, but humbly come and ask; 

What do you need from me and how can I serve you?

How do you seek out bad news?

Our teams want us to be the leaders we read about in the books on our nightstand. Courageous enough to challenge the bureaucracy, willing to lead at the pointy end of the spear, and prove that we are all in this together. A leadership maxim is to share bad news early since it never ages well. This is a great statement for the employee manual, but are you sincere?

It is tough to hear the barrage of what is wrong. We either seek it out from those closest to us or wait for it to show up in the news. How you spend your time reveals your priorities. How much time do you spend asking the hard questions to expose the bad news?

Does your team believe bad news is welcomed, and something will be done, or is it easier to just smile and wave? The silent majority of team members will keep their opinions close to the chest for fear of reprisal unless we are intentional to draw them out. How many "whys" are needed before you surface legitimate concerns during your daily walkabouts with the team?

Today, we choose what kind of team to lead. One that is characterized by charging forward with gracious transparency or hunkering down in a protective defense of the status quo. Each day, this unique team is investing their precious lives to achieve a common mission, and the opportunity is missed if their observations and insights are ignored. Feedback is a gift, and if improperly handled, it is squandered. The team deserves better from us, and we must deliver.

Going Further: How are you building a culture that is free to share bad news early? What bad news surprised you? How has this freedom influenced the team and helped the end customer? What is your process for collecting candid feedback? What action have you taken as a result? What culture needs to change? What can you do today to start required changes?

How do you develop trust?

You are probably a bigger risk taker than you realized. To pursue trust is to risk compromise. In the book Give and Take, author Adam Grant, states that "we struggle mightily when guessing who's a genuine giver." We want to trust a giver and not a taker because we don't want to get taken. Since you are reading this, you have lived long enough to discover that some people are not looking out for your best interest and don't deserve your trust. Welcome to the human condition; now what do you do with this experience?

I lean toward trusting and perhaps, a bit too quick. This tendency has provided plenty of opportunities to refine my judgment. My discernment is still not properly calibrated. My wife cringes if a sales guy shows up at the door. As a result, if you have anything to sell, stop by my other home and give your best pitch to whoever answers the door; the address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC 20500. You can't miss it.

What is the gauntlet you require a new contact to run, before extending trust? Our requirements may be different for new additions to our family, work, and play networks. Who we let into the inner circle can be complicated, and we don't hand out manuals to new friends to provide guidance. Common denominators include the long time it takes to build trust and mere seconds to destroy it. It is through referrals that we transfer the trust of the original relationship to the new relationship. If the referred doesn't deliver, we tend not to hold it against our reliable source, the first time. If it continues, cracks form in the initial relationship and damage control is required.

Going Further: What is your process when you want to build trust? How do you go on the offense when you start a relationship on the way to building trust? How does this change for each of your relational networks? When did extending trust early work out for you? How has your willingness to trust evolved over the years? How has your discernment improved?

In the interest of building trust; the address above is not mine.

When do you default to critical judgments?

No one can live up to the scrutiny of perfection. What is the posture of your mindset as you engage your relationships for discussion? A charitable judgment is believing the best of a situation until the facts have been gathered. A critical judgment believes the worst until proven otherwise. 

Little Johnny comes home from school with a black eye emerging on his cheekbone. A recently promoted sales rep is evasive about reporting her numbers to you. The home improvement contractor leaves a message that he needs to talk. Where does your mind go first? Johnny is fighting again; the sales rep can't make quota; and the contractor is about to confirm your worst fears.

Our response may be consistent with everyone, or it may be relationship dependent. The history of hurts, wrongs, and disappointments will influence how we approach each situation. Our going in mindset impacts our physiology and engages our fight or flight response as we brace for the worst. 

We are far better having a clear mind with steady emotions to hear the news vice amped up on cortisol and ready to attack. The skills to listen well and be empathetic, creative, and curious to navigate the bad news will not be primed to respond in a generous manner. 

I have struggled with critical judgments when report cards are brought home. The end of a marking period, should be a time to engage with my kids and celebrate the accomplishments vice berating the lowest grade. It would take a mature child to say "Gee Dad, I see your concern. I would love to get your input about how I can turn this around, and I am all ears". Would you respond the same way to your boss if objectives were missed?

Let's establish a new standard of charitable judgments and believe the best of others. If you are wrong, you will find out in mere minutes and rarely will 60 seconds make or break the situation. It is your decision; what do you choose?

Going Further: What are charitable judgments you can imagine for Little Johnny, the sales rep, and the contractor? What is the basis for your critical judgments? How would leading with a charitable judgment change your conversations? How would approaching with charitable judgments impact employee relationships during performance evaluations? 

Whose cornerstone are you?

This is the one time it is good to be called a rock. The cornerstone is a primary stone at the base of two walls that is essential to building construction and sets the foundation of the building.  

Relationships are a give and take. We cannot be all things to everyone, but we can play a critical role to a few as their cornerstone. We must expect to fulfill this function for those nearest to us in our circle of relations in some capacity.

Does your network look to you as the stoic rock that is not shaken in times of uncertainty, the one that can be counted on to bring a laugh at just the right moment, or the one that can provide a practical blessing at a time of need? 

A building is a structure that serves a purpose, just as our relationships serve a purpose. They won't last 136 years, but they will last for a time. Healthy relationships will acknowledge how each member can be depended upon to bear the weight of the friendship, love, care and dependence. Interlocking stones can build a robust structure to memorialize the relationship and what it accomplished.

Your presence as a cornerstone matters and is vital to the beauty of the construction. Don't discount the impact of one stone.

Going Further: Who are your cornerstones? How have these cornerstones influenced your life? How have they changed over the years? What cornerstone was a surprise? Who is depending on you for too much? What ways can you serve in a greater capacity?

How do you experience love?

Fella's back off!
No, your significant other didn't pay me to ask this inquiry. I figured I would make you nervous all on my own and besides, Valentines Day is a long way off. Stop the Google search for flowers or chocolates; this question is really about each of us individually. Author Gary Chapman provided a framework when he listed his five love languages as words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. Perhaps you may need to shoehorn your preference into one of these categories, or you have another, but self-awareness is the key.

If you are convinced that this doesn't apply, then I believe you will lie about other things as well. I may be sexy, but I ain't stupid. There is a chance your true self, has been cauterized by life and your need to relearn who you are. Perhaps a strong personality, growing up, convinced you that you were wrong, and you didn't experience love expressed in a way you could understand. Your preference is not isolated to romantic love, nor is it is not too late to recognize who you are.

The beautiful couple on the silver screen or the perfect family on the small screen established the model of love for many. This model was easy to try on, make our own and never realize the fit was wrong. Our relationships may express love to us in the manner they receive love and unintentionally miss the mark for you and me. Discovering and sharing this preference demands courage and vulnerability. Graciously reminding those in our lives of this fact can transform our romantic, family, friendships and work relationships. Our eyes are opened to see things we previously missed. Be brave and get to know yourself, it will change your life.

Going Further: What are your primary and secondary ways of experiencing love? How long have your close relationships known this about you? Who expresses love for you in a way you receive? What were your relationship models? How have you applied this knowledge and how did it impact your relationships?

Don't interfere with the struggle

Don't interfere with the struggle

The truth bomb exploded, sending fragments ricocheting through my brain. Pressure creates a diamond. Persistent irritation develops a pearl. The straining and healing process cause muscle growth. Growth comes at a cost. This succinct statement captures an important point for us supporting those going through the painful growth of becoming something greater.

A co-worker, Michelle Rivera, launched this truth out of nowhere as she tried to get others motivated to move. My mind flooded with memories of the many times I have tried to fix things that I had no business fixing. Life lessons and the scars of life develop us into people of strength and wisdom.

Encouragement and support as the runner prepares and races for the tape is appropriate. Coddling the athlete through training will leave them weak and unprepared.

Make sure you know the difference and provide care accordingly.

YouTube Link: Don't interfere with the struggle.

How do you use food to build relationships?

Food is a necessity of life and can be used to build memories, traditions and close business deals. The memories of summer picnics filled with grilled burgers, watermelon and corn on the cob are essential to a proper summer get-together in the U.S. Food traditions are rooted in religious and cultural celebrations throughout the world, each bringing a rich history to each meal. Within many cultures, the business meeting is a formality leading to the food and drink at a restaurant where the real negotiations and decisions are made in the wee hours of the morning. 

You have developed your practices of family dinners, coffee with friends and dinner with the in-laws that reinforce the foundations of your relational networks. In what ways are you intentional about the particulars of meal food selection, location and how it will foster relationships? Too often, I use efficiency to drive my decisions and merely consume the meal and miss the opportunity to be present, taste the food and enjoy those at the table. 

We are a species of connection and have developed a buzzing world of activity where information is infinite and attention and connection are commodities. Three times a day an opportunity for connection is available if you choose to be intentional through the need to break bread. The good news is that no matter your history, you have the chance with your very next meal; make the most of it.

Going Further: What traditions do you celebrate that have food as a major component? How was food a part of your relationships while growing up? How can you take advantage of meals to make connections with others? Who can you share a meal with this week?