How do you extend compassion to yourself?

Compassion doesn't equal indulgence. Compassion to oneself is not a license to eat the whole tub of ice cream or splurge on retail therapy at the mall.

This inquiry delves into our personal suffering and misfortune. No one gets out of this life unscathed. For eons, humanity struggled to stay alive long enough to see the next generation survive into adulthood. Life was brutal. A rape victim was told to get over it; this is a part of life, and you have work to do.

Most in the Western world have the means to survive and can now attend to the whole person. Unfortunately, the voices in our head can be our worst enemy.

Have you given yourself sufficient time to grieve the death of someone close to you? Whether sudden or a drawn out process, this death, separation, and memories flood our minds in the most surprising ways. Accepting the new normal takes time and living to adjust. Changing status to a widow, single parent, or orphan can take years.

Do you give yourself space to heal? Regardless of the trauma source, either internal or external, a place to recover relieves the pressure to deny the thinking and feelings that sweep over us when hurt. Pain hides in dark corners and until light reveals what lurks in the shadows; this painful enemy will undermine healing and disrupt plans for wellness.

How do you process your failures? The hot Silicon Valley phrase "fail fast" is an invaluable tool to understand what product changes the market demands. Failure is not always quick and often heartbreaking when we pour out our life, only to see the work go up in flames. When our business, marriage, relationships, or dreams fall apart, we must generously extend compassion to the face in the mirror.

Each of these examples has significant implications on how we encounter the world. We are not running from the black plague or living on pennies a day. We have the privilege to invest the resources of compassion in ourselves to mourn death, heal hurts, and learn from failures. What recovery tools do you use; counseling, friendship, laughter, prayer, exercise, meditation, reading, others?

How are you today?

Going Further: Where do you need to extend the gift of compassion? What is one step you will take?

What quote about compassion inspires you?

Much wisdom has proceeded our time and allowed us to stand on the shoulders of giants. What thinkers have inspired you to consider the way of compassion and incorporate the practice in your life?

"True compassion means not only feeling another's pain but also being moved to help relieve it." ― Daniel Goleman

"If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men." ― Francis of Assisi

"Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation." ― Henry Ward Beecher

"Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace." ― Albert Schweitzer

"Compassion is a practically acquired knowledge, like dancing. You must do it and practice diligently day by day." ― Karen Armstrong

"The problem with compassion is that it is not photogenic." ― Sebastian Horsley

"Few things are so deadly as a misguided sense of compassion." ― Charles Colson

“Compassion is the radicalism of our time.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

"Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth;
break forth, O mountains, into singing!
For the Lord has comforted his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted." ― Isaiah 49:13

"True compassion, is more than flinging a coin to a beggar; it comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring." ― Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Man may dismiss compassion from his heart, but God never will.” ―
William Cowper

What quotes would you add to the list?

Why do you act on your compassion?

Our complexity is awe inspiring. We can be full of rage one moment and engage in selfless sacrifice the next. Let's camp out on the latter extreme for a moment.

What motivates you to act on behalf of another who has experienced misfortune?

Was it the example of Mom and Dad caring for those in the neighborhood? Mom set an extra spot at the dinner table because your friend's parents were going through a nasty divorce. Mom knew a bit of normalcy was needed to help your friend to get through the night. Dad fixed the air conditioning unit for the widow down the street and saved her the repair costs.

Have you been on the receiving end of compassion and looking to pay it forward. The teacher noticed your struggle and stayed late each night for the entire semester, to ensure you passed. The stranger that didn't hesitate to cover your grocery bill when you were a couple of bucks short.

Do your holy scriptures promise eternal gains for the compassionate effort? You recognize the immeasurable grace that has been received, and out of this overflow, you look to care for those you encounter. In light of this truth, the action is natural.

Are you counting on the boomerang of good karma to someday return? The idea of what comes around goes around holds out the promise that the compassionate investment today will yield the gifts at just the right moment. This cumulative effect will protect you from the falling piano or deliver the helpful tow truck driver that "just happened" to be driving by when you punctured a tire.

Not listed above?

What is your reason?

Compassion doesn't come free; it requires an investment of your resources. Just as we consult with our investment advisor before shifting our retirement nest egg, consider why you are investing your other resources. The good news is that investing in compassion will pay a substantial yield beyond dollars and cents.

Going Further: How many motives can you identify in your compassionate acts this year? How have your reasons changed since youth? What motivations did you pick up from others? What motive brings the most happiness? What compassionate actions deliver big results you can immediately see?

How can you encourage those released from prison?

The pen hovers over the simple square on the application and hesitates.

The chance of getting hired plummets, if the felony conviction box is checked yes.

Why aren't more questions asked, and boxes for checking?
Did you serve your time?
Were you legally released?
Are you done breaking the law?
Do you want to remain out of prison?
Do you want to contribute to society?
Have you renounced your previous lifestyle?
Do you want to better the world around you?
Do you want to serve the customers and help the company grow?
Are you going to beat the odds, break the cycle, and be counted among the 33% that don't wear handcuffs again?

Why can't all these yes's add up to more than the one box at the top?

600,000 incarcerated people will leave the prison walls behind and become our neighbors and co-workers this year. The stigma, shame, and mistrust of the waiting world contribute to the rearrest of two-thirds of all inmates.

I spoke with a friend a couple of weeks after he finished his prison sentence and beginning to rebuild a life. He admits he was guilty and has now served his time. A loving family and a small network of friends welcomed him home.

He recounted how well he has it compared to those that will follow him. He shuddered. Most return to nothing at best, and a world of temptation, at worst.

Growing up, TV taught me that the only people with tattoos were sailors and ex-cons. Times have changed. I'm a former sailor without tattoos, and my son just got inked with his fifth tattoo today. It has become harder to pick these returning neighbors out of a crowd.

While opening your basement as a half-way house is one end of the spectrum, it is time to re-evaluate how we care for these women and men who have paid their debt. It can start by looking into the eyes of a fellow imperfect human being, sincerely asking, "how are you?" and waiting for the response.

Going Further: What scares you about engaging someone who has been in prison? What informs this fear? Do you see them as a fellow human? What is one step you can take to reach out to a former prisoner that could use the help?

How do you respond to panhandlers?

This inquiry is the equivalent of a DJ clearing a crowded dancefloor by playing the wrong song.

The intention is to be intellectually and emotionally honest and confront the uncomfortable questions.

The 15ish-year-old girl stood on the median at the red light. The black letters on the cardboard read, "Need help for sick family." She was lovely; black hair pulled back from her face, dressed like any other girl pulling books from a school locker. But, here she stood, not moving, eyes tethered to the ground.

She is only a couple of years younger than my daughter. I have known financial distress and endured the shame. How will this experience color her life and the lives of those that sent her out the front door?

Does she know what she is doing and just playing me as a sucker? Is there really a family member back at home, contorting in pain, counting on her ability to get a few bucks? If she is really in need, is there someone behind me that will demand more in exchange for those required few dollars?

My heart screams "change your plans, empty the wallet and bank account, give her a hug, affirm her value as a human and need to reject the shame, return her to the sick family and coordinate medical care and resolve other outstanding issues."

I didn't.

I am relieved that this one time, my cupholder is void of the $6.50 latte. The light turns green, and I turn to finish the last half mile to church. Once inside, I pray for God to help her. My list of buts is wholly unsatisfying, and my hypocrisy is a crushing weight.

How do you respond when presented with these opportunities to help? What are your rules of engagement? When do you stoop to look someone in the eyes or give a few bucks? How do you explain this situation to the kids in the back seat?

One friend keeps plastic bags with water, granola bars, and a few other items, in the car, for just this kind of situation. Some will buy food, but not cigarettes or alcohol. Others, respond with aggression and offense to being asked.

We can't sanitize the rest of our lives from meeting those in need, and there isn't a global plan to solve all problems. Inquiring of our own souls to know who stares back in the mirror is doing the required heavy lifting.

Lift.

What causes spark your compassion?

My wife's heart is for the elderly. She has her own cleaning business and often finds herself spending extra time with customers that are in their late eighties or nineties. This time includes extra cleaning, sharing a cup of coffee and conversation, or playing a mean game of dominoes.

The end of day discussion includes how she left later than planned and endured a bit heavier traffic because of an opportunity to serve became evident. She has a keen eye for things that need to get done and is willing to do the heavy lifting to make it happen.

This world includes much suffering. The statistics are staggering for every cause; human trafficking, wars, famine, starvation, animal cruelty, drug abuse, political fighting, cancer, and the list goes on. If the statistic remains the massive number, it is too big to imagine the real cost, and too hard to see how to make a difference. However, to connect the dots and see a particular face and know precisely how you can intercede to make a difference makes action tangible.

Kristin Sheffer (@simplysheffer) rallied her tribe to send items for distribution to the those affected by the earthquake in Haiti. She uses her influence to care for orphans and those living on the edge in this island country.

What are your causes?

If the commercial for the Humane Society comes on TV and shows the sad puppy eyes; do you call to set up your volunteer time? When the political unrest in your homeland rises to a fever pitch, are you calling the relatives with every free moment and sending any extra cash?

What causes play your heartstrings?

We must celebrate the desire to ease a burden or solve these problems since it puts your compassionate humanity on full display. We are not here to be cold-hearted spectators of suffering. We have our influence, status, wealth, and breath to be utilized to help others.

Going Further: What are the causes you regularly support? How have the causes changed over time? Why have you shifted your support? What are the critical factors that you use to determine your level of aid? What are you currently supporting that would have surprised your younger self?